A crystal maze

 Change

Oddly enough, it's happening.

I'm sitting here where I have always been.

Like a tree that is just receiving water.

Like a vessel unmoulded.

In the semi-darkness of an old, familiar place.

And all of that is gone. I no longer know where I stand, or who I am, or where I'm going.

I do not think I have ever been so scared. I don't think I have ever been so lost, so... 

So

Something has changed, and I suspect it has been me. Now I do not want people to think I have been crying and frightful (but I have been),  at least not all the time.

I just thought this morning that my job was to make earthquakes. I think it was like a revelation of what and who I am and while I am proud of that, I'm also scared.

This month I decided that I was going to learn how to dream. I did not know how to do that. But I think I would like to learn.

There is one of me that is waiting at the end of the crystal maze I walk every day. I would like to meet her. I would like to sit down with her and drink pink drinks under a pink tree and look at the colorful greens and colors of our garden.

She has white hair and dark starry eyes and wrinkles and I just know she is so pretty to look at! She moves gracefully in her silver dress and smiles at me when I tell her the story of how we got there.

I think, if what Sir Terry said is right. That's what is waiting for me at the end of the night sands.

Something I did not account for was the fact that "Learning how to Dream" implied "Llearning How to Change". And "Learning How to Change" implies "Learning to Let Go". And "Learning to let go implies the learning of "Jumping". (!)

Learning of "Jumping" implies the learning of "The Chasm that is there". 

Suddenly I'm looking left and right and wonder if the people around me know we are just a step from the precipice. The voice that I'm learning to be whispers that I might just be a step away from flying.

-Or crashing - I counter because one has to be practical.

My heart goes beep, beep...

What do you think I'll tell you when you tell me this?

Well, what I have always known deep down.

That I am lucky. I have Mamá, and my brothers, and my friends, and, why not? my own talents to survive. There is a safety net somewhere around. And how fortunate  I am to have it.

That "Learning to Dream" is learning to let go. And learning to dream is learning of welcoming, of accepting. Of being all and totally and utterly scared and going on anyway.Of the Sight Unseen. Of knowledge. Of saying yes to the pain of crashing because It means you actually engaged.

That there is no construction without the mess, and that  I hope when I see  her one day I can tell me the story of how I learned to be brave.